Where I had walked.

2012-01-25T10:11:00.001+08:00

Being imperfect.

What's so wrong about it?

2012-01-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

So, I was kind of hungry tonight and I decided to go for some seriously unhealthy late-night fast-food supper.

He was probably in his late sixties or early seventies. His hair was barely greyish and precariously thin. He had so many wrinkles so deep that you’d think someone folded his face a thousand times every night.

His thin, weakly arms were folded across his chest as he hunched his fragile body inwards and huddled himself from the world. The clothes he had on him bore no sign of dirt or prolonged usage, but were nonetheless cheap-looking and paper-thin. He had nothing to shield himself from the elements, save a couple of crumpled newspapers – ones that were probably disposed by others some time ago.

His head was leaned on the armrest of the concrete bench in what was a rather uncomfortable position that would leave any normal human with a bad case of a stiff neck the next morning. Most strikingly, his blank expression told anyone who happened to notice him that he was but a man living with nothing but basic needs.

I don’t know why, but there must be a reason why this elderly man isn’t sleeping comfortably at his own home.

It suddenly struck me that there I was, going to get myself some luxurious supper while all around me, there are people who probably didn’t even have a half-decent dinner. I felt so guilty almost instantly. On my way back home, I took great care to lighten my footsteps so that I wouldn’t accidentally disturb anyone’s sleep.

The night sky looks precariously cloudy with a strong reddish hue to it. I hope tonight wouldn’t be a cold and rainy night, but then again, these guys may even be more used to such chilly nights than I am to my own air-conditioned room.

2012-01-15T16:48:00.001+08:00

What could I have been.

It's easy to get lost in envy, and maybe even easier in jealousy.

Let's face it. You can't get everything in life, and for everything you do get in life, you'll have to work for it. This is but one of the few things I won't have a chance at in my life.

2012-01-09T11:30:00.000+08:00

It came as a free-fall realisation that I didn't practice what I preached.

I was sure that particular line had been popping out all over, but it just didn't hit me that I believed in it too.

Instead, I chose to be blinded by materialism and fame.

It doesn't matter where I'm going to study at. What matters is if I will put in more effort than I'm expected to, to go to places I've never even dreamt of, to reach destinations I've never even heard of. It's now my turn to tell that to myself.

2011-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

2011. 2012.

Year after year, we look back and realise that time had just clicked by so fast, leaving us nothing but distant memories to reminiscent and regret. Anyway, we're up against yet another year of whatever life has yet to throw at us. Before we all take our last step out of this year, let's give ourselves a pat on our shoulders for everything we've endured and withstood from this whole year. I guess that's a big pat for me.

Then, it's time to do some planning for the next year.

I want to continue dancing.

Dancing, which I'm admittedly terrifying at, is one of the things I've regretted not pursing further this year.

I want to take up self-defense.

Muay thai, specifically.

I want to continue carving out the character I've chosen for myself.

That's a must. Everyone benefits when I become a nicer person.

I want to learn driving.

I guess just about everyone in my situation would be wanting to dos o.

I want to get through my service term.

I mean, who doesn't? Not that I have a choice or anything, but I would like to finish up my job nicely and safely.

I'm going get my ear pierced.

That'll only happen after ORD.

I shall save. More.

Well, not wasting my hard-earned pay on unnecessary stuff is a start. Then there's that pay rise and bonus pay..

I'm going ahead with the online Korean lessons.

Nothing much to be said for now. I'll see how it goes.

I will take care of myself and learn to love and forgive.

Again, nothing much to be said.

Let's wish for an awesome 2012!

2011-12-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

Live a life true to yourself, not one that others expect you to.

At the end of the day, what is most important is that you don't regret because someone else made you regret. Should there be any regrets of any sort, at least, let yourself be at fault. Given that this is your life we're talking about, it's not exactly demanding of you.

2011-12-29T01:08:00.003+08:00

"What is love?" He chuckled.

He was mildly amused by the notion of being obsessed by something that can't be rationally defined nor quantified. It didn't quite make sense to him how one would willingly give up everything just to be with another for another day. That, is a fine example of irrationality at work, corrupting the minds of the weak. He was sure that if, one day, Cupid were to come knocking on his door, he'd return the arrow to Cupid that hard way. You can call him stubborn or call him stupid, but you'll not get call him your lover.

The cafe door swings open gently, triggering the little bell tagged onto the corner of it. Along with the chilly morning breeze, entered a lady with her luscious russet curls swaying. Her gleaming eyes. There was something unmistakeable about them. Those bluish-grey pupils could definitely lock eyes on them without fail, not to mention the accompanying seductive eyelashes. That skin, with what little make-up there was, looked so smooth that it could probably deflect bullets. Those delectable cherry-coloured lips matched her rosy cheeks like how vintage champagne would match black caviar. Her seemingly perfect figure was decked out in an elegant, sleek office-wear that defined the modern office lady image so well.

"Oh god, what was I thinking..." he dazed at her very presence like a lovelorn fool.

Meanwhile, his buddy took a sip from his cup of espresso, smugly lifted his left leg over the right and sat back in his comfy seat, legs crossed.

He remarked, "well, tell me all about it."

2011-12-26T10:23:00.000+08:00

So, we've reached the time of the year when we start reflecting on our almost-past year of 2011.

You know, think about how we've fared in our respective fields, how we've behaved and maybe how's life been treating us.

Fresh off from the A level papers, I was sent straight back into hell with my enlistment. Somehow, I survived the terrifying ordeal like any other and emerged from that cursed island a new man, a new Shaun. Life eventually got better as I got used to the excessive regimentation and new-found lost of freedom. Then, there was having to deal with really stubborn and intellectually challenged douchebags, superiors and colleagues alike. That alone taught me that in the real world, it tends to be every man for themselves. Right now, halfway through my term, I can't quite wait to get right back into the real world.

I've changed, yet again. I suppose I can better appreciate life and the people around me. There's a saying that goes like you'll never know what you have until you've lost them all. Having been deprived of all my worldly supports for a short period of time, reality has returned to whack me on the back of my head like a boomerang. Plus, I much less of an irritating, angsty brat now.

Like every other year, 2011 has it's ups and downs. It's been a slightly positive, if not, proper year so far and it definitely sets the bar higher for 2012 to be as awesome or better. And this is Jaeshin, signing off an early 2011.

Goodbye!

2011-12-24T00:56:00.000+08:00

I was really dejected this morning over some seemingly trivial matters, matters for the sake of pride and dignity.

Seems like I'm feeling much better now. I always say, a good sleep washes your thoughts clean and lets you start anew with a new day.

2011-12-13T20:59:00.000+08:00

Off! Off! Off!

Allow me to escape from this spate of insanity and off to elsewhere, where I can worry less and have more fun. After all these shenanigans that have happened throughout the past few days, I suppose everybody needs to spend some time away from work.

When you have the wrong people placed on top of you, in addition to their habit of being harsher than normal, as if life itself had wronged them in the first place, unpleasant things happen. What exactly are we to do? Who exactly are we to do anything other than to eat their punches?

Yes, we totally should have the utmost respect for you. We don't deny our sincere respect for you. For all the lesser blows you have mindlessly hammered onto us, we have quietly suffered. We have stretched our now superhuman understanding to the extent of defending your bitter actions as what we thought was care and compassion. No, we are so wrong, and so are you. Our respect and understanding for you is a privilege, not a given. However painstaking it is to gain them, I'll let you know that its by far unimaginably easier to lose all of it.

You will no longer protect us, you say. Neither will we.

Save your ultimatum for yourself.

That's how we're gonna look like when we're done with you.

2011-12-11T10:45:00.001+08:00

People come and go, but we're still around.

Learning how to let go is probably one of our first few lessons in life. Be it letting go the want to buy something we love, or letting go your very own dreams and passion, or letting go someone you truly loved. Nobody said letting go was going to be easy, but if there's no point in holding on to something that clearly wants to move on, don't hold on.

Make no mistake, letting go is not a weakness. It's not a defeat or anything like that. Having the strength and courage to release your grip only goes to show how strong you've become and how far you'll continue to walk. By freeing yourself from the shackles of others, you free up new paths in life.
To put things the other way round, not being able to let go is a weakness. It only serves to remind yourself how much of a weakling and coward you were.
Perhaps it would never occur to us that whatever we're bolting down actually wants to move on with their day and we're just blatantly refusing to give them that right.
That becomes obsession. That becomes wrong.

Even the trees let their leaves go, why don't you?

2011-12-10T02:42:00.001+08:00

A new layout, a new start.

From where I left off, from where I let go.

Then again, not forgetting who we truly are.

2011-12-01T23:58:00.001+08:00

Once in a while, I find my heart caught up like this.

It feels like someone's grabbing my heart and squeezing it so tightly that it stops beating. The heart-stopping feeling is admittedly awesome and something to savour.

For some reason, I didn't quite feel like booking out today, even after a long, demanding week in camp. Maybe it's because I don't have much to do at home either, or maybe it's because my best buddies are stuck in camp for another night while I'm out here. I have such awe-inspiring buddies who have a myriad of talents and gifts that I can't help but to feel undeserving of them. Yeah, it's true that I'm sometimes envious of them, perhaps even jealous. On the other hand, I'm flattered when they choose to hang out together with me. They're just too good, in my eyes.

Good friends never leave you out of the good stuff.

2011-11-28T21:56:00.001+08:00

Mistakes, mistakes. People make mistakes all the time. I made my today, but that's no surprise.

Punishment or not, I'll guess I'm strong enough to accept it and tough it out. After all, who am I to blame? This feeling sucks and I feel like crying out, but I don't find any tears. I feel hungry, but I don't find any appetite. I feel like pouring it out to someone, but I find neither anyone nor my voice.

I suppose it affected me more than I thought it would. I'll need a good night's sleep to wash it off.

2011-11-26T23:43:00.001+08:00

Life dawdles on as usual.

Admittedly, there isn't a lot to look forward to these days, but that alone shouldn't stop us from continuing to walk on. On the bright side, as a result of the daily dosage of monotony, things slow down enough for me to catch a breath or two and realign myself with a reality check.

I think I really ought to go look for a girl. I guess I'm really missing out on teenage romance and I don't suppose I have much "teenage" in me left to enjoy. It's been a long time since I last liked someone, and I kind of yearn for that crazy mind-numbing, heart-seizing groove which shakes my world upside-down. That being said, I'm totally not going to be desperate as well. I'm not looking for anything rushed or forced, I'm just saying that I'm giving myself the permission to open my heart and my eyes to the other half of the world.

I realise that I'm placing a lot of stuff on hold as the year grinds to a halt and I can't help but to wonder if I really don't have the time to get them done or that I'm just plain lazy. Sometimes I feel I'm not quite ready for them, sometimes those opportunities just like to take a detour and narrowly miss me. Whatever the story is, I'm totally going to make sure they fall on my list of new year resolutions. We only have so long to live and what would be more wasteful than to not accomplish things that we want to do.

Yet exactly how many times were we totally clear of what we truly wanted?

2011-11-20T00:42:00.001+08:00

It's been 3 weeks since my prized Dell broke down, and I've been having to make do with my sister's spare laptop since. It's not exactly sufficient for my needs, but I'm not exactly complaining either. I'm being told that the next computer I'm buying is too expensive and that I wouldn't need such an expensive one. I'm stubborn and I definitely can't see their reason for stopping me.

I wish I was rich. Money makes the world go round and it certainly does place the life that I want into my life. Now you may call me superficial and state that there's more to life than money and that money can't buy me everything. But will the lack of money make me any less superficial? Will the lack of money give me anything more in life? Will the lack of money buy me the things I can't buy? Let's face the cold, hard truth that people don't like - that cold, hard cash is what people like.

This is life, life that you can't deny.

That's your love for money.

2011-11-19T00:29:00.001+08:00

I'm tired. Been so ill lately, I feel like I'm so old.

But, tonight has been awesome. It's been a while since Fridays were exciting and something to look forward to. A chill-out session of DotA at LAN sort of brings me back to the days of excessive LAN gaming back when I was merely a 15-year-old punk. I'm still ever so jumpy and loud despite my broken, hoarse voice.

If I could ever hold the sun in my hands, I'd probably scream at it for fun, then grin from ear to ear like a crazy idiot. If I could ever hold the moon in my hands, I'd probably squeeze it just to see if it'll burst like a balloon. If I could ever hold my youth in my hands, I'd probably not to let it go.

Because once you let it go, you'll never get it back.

2011-11-16T23:02:00.001+08:00

I don't deny what I've done, but I'm not proud of it either.

When you corner me and leave me with nothing to lose, you cannot fault me for doing what even an animal would do, let alone man. So before you consider anything else, the world pleads you on its knees to reflect upon your own attitude unto others, from which you get only what you deserve.

Life is unfair, or so they say, but the rights to these words, you don't grasp in your hands. When proper effort is made and life fails you, yes it's unfair. When lacking effort is displayed and life fails you, you might as well consider yourself being unfair to life.

Your words, pierced with shameless denial and your requests, laden with unreasonable sloth. Yet you daringly drag your cheeks to question why the world stands behind me. No, I'll correct you, logic and reasoning, not the world, stands behind me. Your rank is but only your weight which you abusively throw about, and is the only reason why I even think to place myself in the wrong. I wonder why I would choose to phrase myself in the wrong and attempt to fool the world that you deserve my apology.

Just so you know, I didn't have a choice. Life gave you what you have today and it will not be me to take them away, so I did not. Here's something for you to take away: Life gave me what I have today, and it will not be you to take them away.

2011-11-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

Week in and week out, week in and week out yet again. I think I've become so numb to army life, I don't even have a sense of life anymore. My concept of time gets so screwed up that minutes seem like hours and hours seem like minutes.

I think it's because I no longer have something to look forward to. When I still had dance lessons, I could strive to make it from week to week just for that 1 hour of crappy funny dancing. Dancing was when I could bare my heart and soul. Now that it's been almost a month and half since dancing lessons ended, there's a void I can't fill - not even with excessive gaming. I guess gaming is there just to pass time and keep my mind away from the void, but when gaming isn't around, that void eats into my heart.

It's painful, not having something to look forward to. How I wish a girl would randomly walk into my world and put her hand where my heart is to feel how empty and cold is it. How I wish I could get something to fill up the void that corrodes my existence. How I wish I had a burning hot passion for someone, something, somewhere that could scald me awake and tell me that perhaps, no, definitely that, I'm finally alive and breathing the same air you're breathing.
I'm no hero, no knight in shining armor, no saviour, no superstar and no big deal, but burst me out of my coma and I'll show you who I really am.

2011-11-12T13:35:00.000+08:00

The thinking that life's like a game of poker is not new, but it's easy to forget and end up revealing all our cards to people we don't want to.

Sure, some people would doubtlessly accuse a poker face of being scheming, untrustworthy and hypocritical. However, a poker face isn't all about hiding everything from everyone. It's about hiding what you need to hide, from people whom you need to hide. There's only so much you want people to know about you. Any more than that, you start to tell people too much, which, well, would definitely attract unwanted attention.

Keeping a poker face also places you in the dark, Splinter Cell-style away from the spotlight. Well, apart from granting you the ability to strike from the dark (which totally isn't the primary goal, nor what we're encouraging here), keeps you away from danger. You avoid having a huge "I am here, come and get me" label hung over your head.

So, a poker face ain't all that bad, when you're considering using it for defence.

Admittedly, it also makes you badass-er.

2011-11-09T13:27:00.000+08:00

I hate feeling inferior. I hate losing. But I guess it"s part and parcel of life. When there isn't a need to put up a fight, don"t bother doing so. We need to get our priorities right, because life's not about winning or having it your way all the time. What truly matters is that you get what you want at the end of the day. It doesn't matter how many battles you lose as long as you eventually win the war.

We need to be calm and composed. We need to stay far-sighted and take views from different perspectives. Maybe then, we can do what we need to do when the time is finally ripe.

For now, just suck it up :p

No, this is SPARRRR-TA!

2011-11-06T02:34:00.001+08:00

Beliefs.

If there's something that you absolutely need to have in life, you have to have your very own beliefs. Beliefs that form the foundation on which your life, your dreams and your existence builds on. Your life is never really over until you actually lose your beliefs, after which you'll just be aimlessly drifting in limbo.

Never doubt your beliefs, never believe your doubts.

2011-10-23T23:56:00.001+08:00

Anger.

I am no big fan of anger. You can't be happy if you are angry. Admittedly, I don't have a huge tolerance for anger. If there's one thing I can't stand having my emotions clouded by, it's anger.

I'm sorry for having an outburst today. I can't control my temper. It's as if there's another me living in me, but I know as well as anyone that this is just an excuse. I get angry for stupid reasons because I let emotions get to my head easily. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so depressed. But at least I'm feeling better, after throwing all of that trouble out of my mind.

I want to control my emotions. Sometimes we all need a mask, one that doesn't hide, but one that controls. I'm sorry I can't be as frank to everyone as I wished. When douchebags laze around me all the time, displaying quality attitude worthy of a good, hard jab to the jaw, it's not easy to restrain myself.

But come to think of it, I don't lash out to harm others. It's always me that gets hurt. It doesn't make sense to inflict harm upon myself just because someone else did something mindlessly wrong.

Tonight, I can't seem to fall asleep because my heart is revolting for change. And so change it will be.

2011-10-22T10:42:00.000+08:00

Being us.

Being who we are.

That means not being someone else. That means not having to live in the shadows of others. That means understanding that you exist.

But when you fail to understand yourself well enough, you don't even know who you are. If you don't even know who you are, who are you to say that you are being yourself? It's not that we don't want to live our lives as ourselves, we simply don't know how to.

That is why we end up living the lives of others, taking their dreams and ambitions, and adopting their ideals and beliefs as our own. When we realise that we are not cut out to be them, we lose ourselves again. If you can't make out who you are, how do you know where to place yourself on the chess board? Let's not even mention about your purpose in life.

So, the question: Who are we?

2011-10-20T20:25:00.002+08:00

If there's one thing the competitive side of me taught me, it's that I am but a yardstick for another, vice versa.

If there's one thing I cannot tolerate, it's losing out to people who are faring better than me when I know that deep inside, I can beat them anytime. It's easy to stay happy and contented when I can respect everyone's achievements, but throw in a couple of these undeserving and that flame within me lights up without warning. I'm not satisfied losing out to them and I'm angry that I can't do anything.

Then, a bunch of idiotic brothers would come along and drag me back to where I was. They place me back where I wanted to be - high up. It's them who make my life so enjoyable and worth looking forward to. It's them who keep me from making stupid mistakes on others, because these mistakes are tolerated by them. It's them who would forgive me over and over again for everything I've done wrong to them. It's them who make my life fall into place.

If there's one thing they taught me, it's that no matter what, they'll stand up for me and make me a yardstick for all the yardsticks out there.

Suck it up, yardsticks.

2011-10-09T02:05:00.003+08:00

He watched the reddish-hued night sky through the frigid, glassy windows with wide, curious eyes. On the other side of this raindrop-littered aperture, gelid raindrops plunge ever so slowly, taking their time on their one-way dive to the ground. In his position, knees to his chest, he felt a little more down-to-earth. He became aware of his existence in this world.

The city, with its warm, orange-tinted street lamps, flickering traffic lights, and little pairs of headlights of vehicles etching their way through the wet, reflective tarmac, starts to slow down as the day moves on to the next. In the little mind of his small existence, he flipped through his memories like a tiny photo book and relived the minutes of his time.

Sigh, it had been such a long time and he simply couldn't grasp the concept of time properly. When time slipped from his hand, he couldn't stop it from plummeting endlessly. And just as his touch on the world waned to numbness, time returned to crash on him. His actuality dawned upon him and painfully slapped him awake from where he had lost himself in.

This messy, complicated world is just so easy for him to get lost in. An unmistakable white flash of lightning to stab his staring eyes and a sharp, low growl of angry thunder to cringe his unprepared ears. It's raining tonight, he realises.

The rain that washes off his anaesthesia.

2011-10-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

We should all have a little patience in us all the time. Time flies past yet again, but we hardly have the tolerance to toil through a little longer. Sometimes, we simply don't see the point of putting in more effort in whatever we do. This is the product of a society that has accelerated our pace of life to absurd speeds, just so that it can squeeze a little bit more out of us. You can't blame us for something that has been inculcated in us for as long as we have been on the face of this planet.

I'm not asking for a lot of patience. Just a little will do. Where the failures look upon the successful and wonder what went wrong, they fail to look past patience. In this world, many of us end up failing only because we cannot find the faith to hold out a little longer when the next step is already success itself. It pays to wait, but it also pays to be cautious that you don't end up waiting all your life.

Leave when you need to, stay when you should.

2011-10-08T00:18:00.002+08:00

Tonight feels a little empty. Perhaps it's because I'm not having dance lessons tonight.

I like dancing. To me, it's a form of expression, a form of commitment.

When my bones tremble and my heart beats to the music, I express my interpretation of the music through dancing. I may not be as good at dancing right now, but I can feel it. It's as if the music beckons me to move my feet, my hands and my mind. Dancing makes me happy too. I look like a foolishly mad idiot when I hop around to the beats, but I don't really care. Dancing fills up the little voids in my life.

I wanna dance :C

2011-10-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

Perfection.
Perfection has never been quite the reality for me. Attempting to pursue a bit of perfection these 2 weeks, I have already inflicted much pain on myself and others through depression and anger.
There's just too much to do, to change and to make up for, for my life is simply a tad bit too far from perfection. I'm not meaning its screwed up, but my style of living doesn't match that of a perfect lifestyle.
I'm envious. I'm envious of those whom I think have perfect lifestyles. But really, I realise I had never quite seen past the superficial aspects to assess the price I have to pay for it and perfection's shortcomings. See, perfection is never quite perfect. There is never an end point in perfection. In that sense, you can never perfect perfection, so f*** practice makes perfect. Practice at best, only makes you less terrible at things you do.
After all, it's someone else's life that I'm admiring. Exactly how much do I know about their life to claim that it's perfect? I'm afraid the pasture on the other side of the valley is always greener. Life's too short to live someone else's life, so live your own.
So, I'm going to put an end to this chapter of suffering. Blinded by perfection, I've been unnecessarily tormented and placed out of my own life. But that's just like me, so easily swayed by the greed to compare and improve.
I'm a small boy in this huge world and I might have chosen something that can't be chased down to chase this time round. The chase ends today.

2011-10-01T01:38:00.002+08:00

Sometimes.

Sometimes I wished my life could unfold like a drama.

A bit of fun, a bit of luxury, a bit of pain, a bit of challenges, a bit of love and a bit of heartbreak. I can't help but to agree that my life is kind of boring and me, kind of lame and could do with a sledgehammer to my face. I'm such a douchebag that I can't even acknowledge the guy on the other side of my mirror as me. It doesn't take a lot to understand that this is terrible.

Drama always does some form of self-bashing to me. Somehow, they make me feel a little less awesome and that I probably, really should want to be in that drama as much as possible. Yeah, it all kind of makes sense now. It's the making of a good drama series.

Alright, let me do a little reality-assessment.

So, at least I'm not all negative. Sure I could do with a little self-improvement, but I have all the basics that I need and a bit of the advanced stuff to make my life feel better than a lot more people. I guess I'm not too bad after all and maybe I have to wait just a little longer for everything to set into place for the drama to really unfold.

Someone told me that the biggest pity in life goes to people who don't know how close they are to success before they give up. Well, that gives birth to two kinds of people who don't give up. The first kind of people are simply driven to find success by motivation, whether they eventually get it or not. The second kind of people, like me, are fueled to keep walking, out of fear that the next step might be success.

It pays to keep walking no matter what, because life is full of the unexpected and you never know who or what turns up where or when.

2011-09-25T23:26:00.000+08:00

Passion.

It keeps us looking forward to every morning when we sleep at night.

It fuels the fire within us, in turn, fueling our life.

Everyone must have had a passion at some point in their lives. It's just that many of us inevitably lose that spark when we get too caught up with our lives.

We forget what we love, what we cherish and what we truly want.

Instead, we pursue what society wants us to pursue, what everyone else around us pursues.

In doing so, we hand over our lives into the hands of others, into the clutches of society.

I'm not saying it's not a good thing, but I ask, is that life yours, or others, or society's?

It is tough to keep that speck of flame going and at any point, I agree that it can go out without warning. It is however important that we stay around long enough to reignite that flame within us.

And tonight, I think that flame is back. Just a tiny little blaze, but it's enough to make me feel like I'm seeing the sun for the first time.

It feels warm.

It feels bright.

It feels nice.

2011-09-24T11:59:00.000+08:00

Mr Nice Guy. Easier said than done.

Sometimes I wonder how hard it is to try to be nice.
Sometimes I wonder how difficult it is to stop harming others and myself.
Sometimes I wonder how complicated it is to learn from my past mistakes.
Sometimes I wonder how agonising it is to forgive and forget.
Sometimes I wonder how painful it is to bear the burden.
Sometimes I wonder how claustrophobic it is to remain patient.

I don't know, but it sure is harder than I had thought.

2011-09-22T16:06:00.000+08:00

Well, 3PM kinda early for a post. Honestly, my blogging sap doesn't flow until it's night, when things start to settle down and become quieter. I guess it helps with my train of thought just like how some people prefer to study or concentrate in a serene environment.

But I'm on off today and I'm a happy boy, haha!

I'm jealous of a lot of people, for all the wrong reasons of course. And of all the things I could be jealous of, I'm stuck with stupid, superficial ones or dumb, impractical ones.

Looks,

wealth,

friends,

characters,

intelligence,

achievements,

talents,

and yeah (of all things), names.

Haha, I don't think I quite understand the need to appreciate my life very well, or myself for that matter. I don't suppose I'm that hopelessly inadequate too, but being exposed to wonderful people all around everyday, it's difficult not compare and feel inferior if ever so slightly.

These people are here to remind me what kind of a person I want to be and to keep me walking and progressing down the right direction.This sounds weird, but even if I look ever so ordinary next to these beautiful people, I don't want to stop being their friends. Perhaps that's why my life can suck, but my world remains beautiful. I wasn't born with everything, but they'll help me to complete the missing bits of my world. I guess that's why I'll never have enough of such people and why I cherish my friendships so dearly.

I don't know why, but life's good today.

So cheer up peeps c:

2011-09-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

I came across a blog today that recalibrated my way of blogging. Her style had an unmistakable nostalgia that reminded me of my own - to which I had long lost. For months, I struggled to reclaim the ability to place my emotions and thoughts into words. It was through her words that I saw my own fall from grace. My words had deteriorated into nothing more than simplistic expressions of naivety. Yeah, but that's that. I'll continue to recover my style. Today's post is below:

I can't get my feelings right. It's as if I'm searching through the darkness with numbed senses. I don't know what I'm looking for when my heart and mind takes off in different directions. I'm dangerous. Life's a gamble, but I don't want to dive into the wrong decisions and end up regretting. I just can't figure out girls and me.

2011-09-17T23:02:00.004+08:00

Sometimes we see this world of ours as a miserable island in the middle of nowhere. We wonder why we always seem to be unhappy. We ponder why we see faces of the crestfallen everyday. We question the purpose of this world. All the crazy problems imaginable that we can't avoid on a daily basis and all the worries that chase us like a starving predator hunting for its prey. We think we deserve the right to be happy and we suppose we need to do what it takes to get us from where we are to where happiness is.

Wrong. This world of ours is the centerfold of happiness and the only reason why we can't feel happiness is because we're already numb with happiness. We are exposed to little events that make us happy everyday, so much so that these little things no longer seem to matter to us, or affect us in any way. Before we even know it, we all start to take happiness for granted. Let's face it, we are addicted to happiness and it'll only take a greater deal of it to satisfy us from here on. And we all know where this'll take us to. It's no wonder why they say we can't be happy forever. Melancholy exists for a reason. It exists to make sure we get to feel happiness again. It's a flaw of this world, yet a beautiful one at that.

2011-08-29T23:59:00.002+08:00

When our cherished have long perished, they live on in our memories. That's what's so beautiful about the world, where everything beautiful can be taken down and kept deep inside our hearts and minds. Things never last forever, but as long as we live or pass our memories along, they are never truly gone.

I happened to come across a particular dusty old item of mine today that evoked a bit of nostalgia and fondness within me. It was a piece of my past. For a short half an hour, I seemed to lived through a certain portion of my life again. The sweet smiles, the bitter pain, the happy times and the sad hours. I saw myself in my youth once again, looking like a douche, behaving like an idiot, all because he thought he had all the time in the world at his disposal. Youth probably does empower one with never-ending confidence and potential. I recalled my seemingly limitless ambitions and naive, innocent dreams. A reality check later, I felt pretty remorseful for having let myself down. Too late for regrets, too early to forget.

Tonight I found something special. I found the missing portion of my heart - my longing for the past. Tonight, I found my reminiscence.

2011-08-27T00:30:00.002+08:00

Suddenly, it seems, everyone is hiding behind a Venetian-era mask, just waiting for the appropriate time to unmask and show their true colours. People whom I thought I had figured out, turned from friends to enemies within a split second. It's the same people who used to hang around before they all unsheathed their daggers and started dishing out harm to everyone around them. They are no longer the same individuals who first stepped into my world.

And as I mourn the loss of my friends, I can't help but to feel my world slowly but surely becoming quieter and quieter. Not that I don't like serene peace, but I rather very much have a livelier world. Tonight, I pray hard for those lost to return to who they once were.

2011-08-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

Doing a post on Blackberry - I haven't done this for some time. But this post tonight goes out to a great friend of mine and whoever that needs help on this late, lonely night.

Let's start by: We are not perfect human beings. Life itself is the imperfection which we continue to grind through each day so that we can improve our lives. And a lot of times down the road, we fail to meet even our own expectations, let alone others. While it might be tempting to succumb to the pitfalls of lost hope and quicksands of self-blame, why do we not realise that this is only because people, yourself included, expect great things from you. By self-thrashing and giving up, does it do justice to the expectations that others have of you?

We all have our own strengths and shortcomings. That's what makes us unique and special in this tiny world. You don't have to be a superman to be a good friend, brother, or son. I always say: Who you choose to be around with determines what kind of a person you truly want to be. If you truly want to discover yourself, look at your reflection through the people closest to you. They are the tell-tale signs of your character and they often point towards the direction you should head for. I learnt recently that a path is only created with every footstep you leave behind. That's the reason why we can't see our paths ahead. We simply have yet to set foot on those ground. We forge our own paths and grow up as ourselves.

Lastly, while we may feel lonely, we never walk alone. Perhaps we simply don't find ourselves talking to others enough. Maybe we tend to hide things from others so they don't know what we have in mind. People can't help you if you don't help yourself. All they can do is to let you know that they are always there for you when you need them. If they are not there for you, I wonder why they even exist in your life. Maybe you should wonder too.

Life's too short for regrets. We become champions and we move on. We make mistakes of our lifetime and we move on. We cry and we move on. We laugh and we move on as well. Whatever happens, never stop walking, because walking is all that our miserably imperfect lives have to offer us. And we'll take that offer any day.

2011-08-20T23:55:00.002+08:00

I'm surprised I have feelings, feelings not supposed to be where they are. Most of the time they appear to be satisfied staying dormant within me, but they're knocking on the door this week. It feels oddly familiar and strangely nostalgic. It's blurry, it's black-and-white, it's as if I have seen these scenes somewhere. Sometimes, it makes me undeniably sad, yet sometimes, it sends electrifying jolts of joy through me. I don't even know what causes it. Perhaps I'm going mad soon. Yeah, perhaps.

On another note, it seems that dance lessons for me have kicked off. It's hard to imagine myself one day moving to the beat like I'm born with it. I have two left feet, but I don't care. I want to feel the music flowing through me and let my two left feet do the talking.

2011-08-13T01:30:00.003+08:00

It has been a terribly eventful week that I probably wouldn't mind having again. When everyday is spent doing things you like to do, things you want to do, and things should you really do, life feels fulfilled somehow. Those 24 hours suddenly just seem to creep past without a warning and here I am, looking awed at my past week. It seems, then, that my life doesn't have to be all partying and having insane fun, or emo-ing at a random quiet spot in the world. It seems that I can live my life as it is and bring nothing but satisfaction to myself.

You want the moon, but you've got the sun. Either way, I am going to be happy. Some things just aren't meant for us. Sometimes, you just have to look at what you've got from a different point of view. Well, speaking of moons, I just realised that it has been roughly 6 full moons since that full moon which visited the miserable me stuck on Tekong in confinement.

2011-08-09T23:22:00.004+08:00

More often than not, I'm finding myself stuck in a melancholy town where we never smile. When we slip on masks to conceal our bona fide emotions from others, we ourselves become victims of deception - our deception. While we give chase to our targets, it doesn't help that our targets only drift further and further away from us. We take flight to protect ourselves from impending danger we can't resolve, but everytime we glance back and check our trail, those troubles only seem to multiply. We embrace change with open arms, yet we grasp our present ever so tightly.

At times, we might even feel that happiness only exists because pain exists. We only truly cherish when we've lost. Nothing ever seems to be free and the things that matter to us come at a higher price than we can afford to pay. It's as if we only stand to keep losing out the more we seek. Best stuff are ephemeral and nightmares just don't seem to go away. We forget that this is a revolving world on the go and that whatever we do, it's going to return to us someday. In that sense, when we feel sad today, it'll someday hit us that we live in a forlorn and desolated world.

2011-07-31T00:36:00.004+08:00

I became a monster yesterday without myself knowing it. I'm sure I would have gave myself a good, hard punch if I saw my own pathetic state. Stupid people do stupid things sometimes. Unknowingly, I liked something I shouldn't. Unknowingly, I broke my own promise. Unknowingly, I was disgusting. Enough.

2011-07-27T22:39:00.003+08:00

It has probably hit me some time ago, but I hadn't quite confirmed it until today, or tonight, more specifically. That sickening trait of competitiveness embedded deep within me sort of faded away slowly. I'm not sure if I should be happy about it. It has always been there for me and, despite its obvious flaws, partly defines myself.

We are so guilty of chasing and comparing everything. It makes us feel so small and exhausted. Truth be told, you can never be the best for long because someday, somewhere, another random stranger will just walk in and thump you as if you never existed. We're all stuck in this cycle of overtaking and overcoming, then being overtaken and overwhelmed. I'm not saying nothing is ever worth chasing, but we should only chase for what we really need. Too often do we find ourselves chasing down pointless achievements and at the end of the day, accomplish nothing significant. Life like that is tiring. Perhaps we are just blinded by what we see in front of us. After all, we're only little tiny cogs in a really large clock. What's in front of us is simply more important than what happens in the world.

Maybe life has become so mundane that I no longer feel the need to maintain that high level of competitiveness. Well, I remember mentioning sometime ago that NS could very well be a 2-year break for myself to recuperate before the next big event in my life begins. Yeah, this might be the case. I haven't even noticed this, but I'm beginning to lose my passion for the things I used to love. Not only do my weekdays get eaten up, my weekends suffer as a result of me having to complete what I should do during the weekdays. I don't get to do what I love anymore.

Competitiveness, competitiveness where art thou. My life tastes so bland without you spicing it up with a lil' bit o' pepper and a lil' bit o' salt. I'm just taking my time walking along now, when I really should be running. Where lies my motivation, I wonder and ponder.

2011-07-24T00:19:00.002+08:00

People come and go, events happen and end, things past and return. I feel like a random nobody standing on a really crowded street somewhere. I'm just patiently watching, intently listening but never the one doing the talking. When you take on a third-party point of view, things become more interesting and detailed. I'm finding little pieces of information and tiny cracks that I never knew existed.

On another note, perhaps the bells are ringing for us to move on. People are moving into new phases of their lives, embarking on yet another journey in their colourful lives. It's time we all let go and allow ourselves to move forward. We already have the keys to our cage, the million-dollar-question is whether we would have the guts to step out and face the world. Once again.

2011-07-18T21:48:00.002+08:00

A little shopping therapy on Saturday sure helped to set my life back into motion. Increasingly, I feel my world revolving slower and slower when I spend all my time idling away in camp (work is terribly boring as well). So, getting to mingle into the crowds at Orchard Road sort of makes me feel all civilian and normal again. Of course, spending that $100 on a pair of shoes which I've been eyeing on for 2 months makes me all jumpy and excited.

Sometimes I get so pissed off, but I somehow find the discipline to hold all the roaring flames in me. Yet sometimes, I just lash out at my unfortunate victims as though they shouldn't even exist in the the first place. I mean, everyone wants to be a nice person that can take everything in their stride and calmly look into the eyes of troubles and disasters. Well, maybe not everyone, but I happen to be one of these guys trying their best to be nice. But being stuck in this unkind world with unknown fate, everything just became seriously harder.

Life's just so tough huh? We'll carry this crazy world on our backs and make our lives as exciting and as colourful as we can.

2011-07-12T22:10:00.002+08:00

It's one of those rare times when my heart finds itself at crossroads. I want it, yet I don't. When I want it, I would really crave for it and make myself desperately miserable out of the blue. When I don't want it, I wouldn't even spare a thought for it, as though it never existed in my life.

Oh why, oh why must you set my world into motion and make my heart race for you. You are only but a tree in my world of forest. What right do you have to strip me of the ability to choose all the other trees in my world? What must I do to pry myself away from you?

You make me feel like a coward when I don't dare to go and get you, but you make me feel contented knowing that you are still there within my sight. I'm ever so afraid of losing you, but if I could, I would banish you from my world and made sure you never had the chance to walk right back in and place my heart and life on a lockdown.

You are my shooting star, you are my curse. You are my happiness, you are my misery. You.. I just don't know what to make of you today.

2011-07-03T19:33:00.002+08:00

Everything cruises past us so quickly and before we know it, we've aged. It's amusing to recollect vague memories of us wishing to grow up so badly so that we have access to a larger piece of the world. We had wonderful aspirations, an insatiable hunger for achievements and a heart of purity. For a while, "impossible" didn't even existed in our world. Yet our tiny, soft hands could only reach for so much.

Fast forward a decade or so and we find ourselves right where we wanted to be. Grown up and ready for the world, but only to find the word "impossible" plastered over almost everything we yearned for. Technically, we can reach for everything in the world, but whether we are allowed to access is an entirely different issue. This is the time when doors start closing on us because of what we didn't manage to achieve. This is also the time when we start feeling regretful because we missed opportunities that could have led us to our aspirations. After everything we've been through, we've changed. We're no longer that pure, innocent child we once were.

When we didn't have access to the world, we didn't have so much to fret about. We were happy then. Why did we want something that would only make us unhappy? Maybe it's because life's worth feeling unhappy for and without despair, happiness is meaningless.

2011-06-29T21:02:00.003+08:00

Today has to be one of the weirdest days of my life. I still don't quite know how I managed to achieve IPPT gold. I only know miracles exist and one of them occurred today.

The feeling was horrendous. I was in such great pain about halfway through the run, I swear I could have shed a tear or two on the spot. For some reason, I just kept pushing on. Step by step, breath by breath, I conquered metre by metre until the end at within sight. I had never ran below ten and a half minutes, and I really had to dig deep to not only best my record, but also cut off almost a minute from my timing.

I haven't relied on mental strength so badly before. I really didn't care how my body was reacting to the extreme exertion, except that my body must make it to the finishing line before 9:44 minutes. In fact, my eventual timing was so close to 9:44 that if I had harboured and executed any thought of giving up, I wouldn't have made it.

I'm really happy. I've come a long, long way from being a zero-fighter who wouldn't even dare to dream of clutching on gold one fine day. If anything, it only shows that if you really want it and you are willing to put in everything you had, you'll go to places you want to go. Welcome to Miracle Express.

2011-06-27T22:52:00.002+08:00

Emotions are such a curiousity. Sometimes, you just don't understand why you are feeling like this and why you can't control yourself. It's there when you least expect it and you probably can't draw out the identical feelings a second time. It's always a different experience.

Our minds always seem to assume control over our emotions but it's really our emotions that control our minds. No matter how much we can control our feelings, it may seem that, after all, we're just being played by our own feelings. Perhaps someday we'll grow out of stupid impulsive emotions and realise we were idiots back then. Tonight, my heart is just void and wanting.

2011-06-26T23:08:00.002+08:00

I realised that it's been some time since I've reflected on the past. Certain things during this bookout period invoked some emotions and memories from my past.

It would seem that time has once again slipped past my attention as my life is filled to the brim with work, duties, you name it. I've forgotten when I had eventually lost track of time in this monotonous cycle of working and partying hard. What once felt like eternity has already been long cast into the history books and what I once saw as the distant future appears to be knocking on my front door now. Change has arrived in grand fashion and that means I have only lost more, especially those that I hold so dearly in my heart.

Perhaps it should be noted that not everyone needs change, even if it is for the better. Most of the time, we can never bring ourselves to pay the price of change. Sometimes, change just isn't the answer to every obstacle in our lives. I feel sad for change, that very word that so defined my life.

2011-06-25T22:55:00.002+08:00

Last night (or rather, early early this morning) was a pretty exciting adventure. For a first-time clubber, I'd say the experience was a memorable one, despite the near screw-ups we had. It's just pure, pure fun that fills up the entire atmosphere and it didn't take long for me to infuse myself into that bubble everyone was indulging in. I have no idea how I could manage enough energy to be on that dance floor for about 2 and a half hours straight. I wasn't even under any alcoholic influence. That being said, I should lay down regulations right away because if I get carried away, this could quickly ruin my life. I won't be clubbing for some time now.

Sometimes, I have feelings and cravings that I shouldn't have. Not because it's wrong, but because even if I have them, I don't see what I can do to make myself feel less miserable. Worse still, do the wrong thing and feel worse later.

2011-06-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

Today I come across a query that's pretty personal. Are appearances really so important to me?

I'm terribly guilty of vanity and I know it. Yet, I can't just don't give any thought about my appearance because the feeling of a fashion disaster is simply.. terrifying. So, yes, appearances are important. That being said, it's not as if I'm vane all day long. I just want to look proper when it matters. At least I'm showing that I give a damn about myself and it's a reason for you to give a damn about me. It's about respecting myself.

2011-06-15T00:41:00.003+08:00

Don't we all get that feeling sometimes? That feeling of wanting to move on but not knowing where to go. That feeling of wandering aimlessly, not knowing your destination. That feeling of wanting to grow up, but not knowing how to do so. And before we know it, we're already where and what we want to be. Looking back, you don't really know how you got there in the first place, but now that you're there, you need to keep moving on.

2011-06-12T02:32:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it's right there, sometimes it's such a headache. I'm not sure if it's an illusion or reality. I can't make up my mind because I don't have an idea of what I really want. I wish I had an answer to my dilemma, yet I'm wary of my answer. With it, I can be as happy as an idiot but I get so badly irritated by it at times. Without it, I feel void but free from any bonds. One is right, but I have nothing to prove it. The other is wrong, but I don't see how it cannot be right. I can't leave it to fate because fate will just wait. I wonder why this even set my world into motion. Life just keeps throwing difficult decisions at us, doesn't it?

I look out into the landscape tonight, only to find my moonlight obscured by a thick cover of clouds. Amidst the sea of light, nothing catches my eye more than the fading moonlight. I haven't had a chance to clear my thoughts for some time.

2011-06-07T22:24:00.003+08:00

I'm not against certain individuals becoming leaders or being labelled as the best. I'm just against the criteria upon which they were chosen. That is simply not how you choose these people. How exactly do I know if I'm right? I was a leader chosen the wrong way and I know a thing or two about such stuff. And it's no wonder why they say leadership is hard to come by.

Tonight, I feel gloomy for the fate of my world. I can't help but to wonder what happens when my world collapses as I lie in serenity.

2011-06-05T22:07:00.002+08:00

It's the start of another week yet I can't wait for it to end already. I want to be at home, not because I have a lot of stuff to do, but because it's where I feel free. Then again, I think I'm having book-in blues.

I'm tired.

2011-06-02T21:49:00.002+08:00

Today marks my 19th birthday and my first one spent away from home. I'm glad to say all is pleasant and well, except that the morning was pretty gruelling.

I'm just exhausted and relieved for tonight. It's not the best birthday, but it'll do. If only I could have my birthday everyday, because birthdays feel good :)

One more year to go!

2011-06-01T22:25:00.002+08:00

Being depressed the last few days really suck. Then again, it's only then do we begin to pick ourselves up and carry on with more vigor and motivation. What's happened has happened and whatever that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger in every way.

It's an important day tomorrow, so I need to get recharged and energised well tonight. Tomorrow's test would be one of the last obstacles left to complete. Taking term by term, this term is coming to an end and I want my happy ending despite everything.

Oh, and an early birthday to myself. Can't believe I didn't even remember it until last weekend. I actually haven't had time to decide how to spend it.

2011-05-31T21:07:00.002+08:00

Despite all that has changed, giving up remains ever so easy. It's just so simple to have something in your mind snap to send you spiralling down the ladder in life. Sometimes, it's not that we don't quite have the ability to overcome obstacles, but that we don't have the mental will to do so.

2011-05-30T23:06:00.003+08:00

And the self-bashing continues today. I've been thinking about quite a bit of stuff with my time today, not only about the incident, but about my life and its meaning.

I realised that while it's easier to unforgive than to forgive others, it's easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself. You will always be the last person whom you have to forgive. When you can't find a reason to forgive yourself, you can't move on. And I can't forgive myself because the others can't forgive me.

Once again, I find myself marching on alone, just when I thought I had found support. It's times like these when you wished you had someone who you can rely on, confide in and can stand by your side, giving you all the assistance you need.

I wish I could cry tonight and make myself feel ever so slightly better, but my pride won't allow.

2011-05-29T22:18:00.002+08:00

Last week was a terribly tough, but satisfying week. I'm just glad to finish it in one piece.

You can't help but to hate yourself when you repeatedly make the same mistake. It's not that I don't learn from each mistake, but it doesn't help at all. If anything, I'll just be a sitting duck for the next mistake to take place.

I get terribly angry when others make repeated mistakes, and tonight I'm pissed off at my worthless self. I feel like tearing myself apart and crushing my soul to repent for every mistake I've made. When the world doesn't have a place for people like me, I'm better off gone without a trace.

I want to change. I want to have my achilles' heel changed, but how can I do so? It's a joke when you can change people for the better but can't do the same for yourself. Am I even fit to induce change? Am I even deserving of what I have?

I want to be released from my weakness. I want to be released from this useless representation of myself. I'm just not meant to be who I want to be. I'm nothing and I will return to my beginning.

Tonight, I'm depressed. If I can have my wish come true, I want things to come to a good ending and it doesn't even matter if I make it out in one piece anymore. If things are better without me, so be it. I won't feel a thing because I'm already numb from all the pain I suffer.

2011-05-24T22:21:00.003+08:00

I didn't have a good sleep last night and ended up awaking to a tired morning. Luckily, I managed to catch some sleep later on.

The day didn't start off very well. My trusty pair of earphones began to malfunction. But it's important to stay hopeful for a change of events. The day didn't turn out as bad as I had thought.

Things are really going to be tough over the next few days, but at least I stand ready to face the test. Everything I've learnt will be the crux.

2011-05-23T22:21:00.001+08:00

Tough times lie ahead and while it may be tempting to consider giving up, we shall perservere on. Yeah, let's go!

2011-05-22T01:18:00.002+08:00

Instead of becoming more thoughtful and understanding, I find myself becoming more and more of an ungrateful rascal who deserves no bit of respect or care. It's not that I don't want to help or give some thought about it, but I can't control that side of me that yearns to break free of anything that tries to tie me down. What I've been through the last few months have instilled a terribly resilient instinct to fight for my cause and my interest. That bit of me is fighting to get my life back and I get unreasonably aggressive whenever I have to do something against my will or something that doesn't interest me. I'm just not myself anymore whenever it happens.

Tonight I feel so apologetic, so guilty and so depressed. I wonder what I can do to remedy things. It wouldn't even help anything if I tore myself apart to rip that rotten bit of me out. All I can make is empty promises because I can't even get myself to listen to me. I don't even feel like myself anymore.

I need to put in more effort. I told someone today that every defining factor lies in whether you want to put in effort or give up chasing and it's never really over until you've passed the finishing line. I need to start saving myself.

2011-05-17T22:35:00.002+08:00

Today, I've come to understand a certain matter a little better.

Its so easy to run away from everything and only too hard to face up to the fact that you're not good enough. Likewise, its so easy to lose everything you have fought for and only too hard to piece everything together or build from scratch. There's more to life than grades, money, fame and what not. More often than not, life is not defined by where you end up through the rat race, but what you experience during the rat race. Life is bittersweet. Good times are meaningless without hardship, because we don't learn to enjoy without suffering. Lastly, nothing in life is eternal. Every beginning has an end somewhere because without that end, a new beginning cannot take place.

2011-05-15T22:54:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I feel we're just too afraid to try out the new, to break the monotony in our lives, to venture into places we have yet to touch. We fear the uncertainty and unseen consequences that follows with our decisions. We are not ready for the risk of losing what we have to strive for what we don't have. We ponder too much and too long over simple choices such that the tides of opportunities had long subsided when we finally come around with our minds made up.

I'm not saying we ignore all concerns regarding the hazards and risks of our decisions. Nor am I saying everything out there is worth staking all we have to attain. I'm also not saying we shouldn't work our brains to make informed and wise choices. I'm saying that we can have trust in our decision-making and take certain chances to set our world into motion. The world, the universe moves for a reason and I don't see why our lives should stop moving, even for a second.

2011-05-15T00:34:00.002+08:00

We move on for the better and for the worse, because staying right where we are doesn't give a meaning to our lives. We're not dissatisfied, nor are we ungrateful, but life's all about going on and on, up the hill and down the slope. We need to get our purpose in life right and get our act together.

2011-05-14T01:05:00.002+08:00

I think I'm starting to get used to things again. This week, despite it being a full week, felt shorter and faster. Maybe it was because we simply had too many programmes to eat up all our precious youth, or maybe I'm starting to enjoy my time here.

It felt like a brief week no doubt, but I had definitely experienced and learnt a great deal. From knowledge to people to emotions and personal qualities, it all helps to make me a better person. It was also a pretty gruelling week. Mentally, we were wrecked from excessive studying and physically, we were shredded thanks to PT.

I'm starting to have to deal with certain people before things get out of hands, while relying on people whom I believe I can trust. It's just so vexing having to handle and understand people huh?

I'm tired.

2011-05-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

Someone apologised tonight in an attempt to change things, to seek forgiveness. But why do I feel so harsh on him? It is really that difficult to forgive someone who has repeatedly looked down on us and refused to be a part of us. We gave him his chance to make amendments, but the chance only served as another opportunity for him to try and trample all over us.

I say, actions speak louder than words. I've heard his words tonight and his actions shall be judged upon. Tonight, I can't find a reason to forgive him.

2011-05-08T23:01:00.002+08:00

At some point in time, we all run into people whom we don't want to meet or worse, live with. But it's good to know that they appear in our lives for a reason, be it being useful to us or posing an obstacle for us. I guess it's better for us to just find ways to cope with them instead of sulking and feeling upset.

It's just too stuffy and warm to sleep tonight.

2011-05-08T02:20:00.002+08:00

It's been a draggy week, with each day passing by ever so slowly and painfully. I'm not doing the things I want to do, but I'm trying hard to like whatever it is that I'm doing. While it's only right for us to actively pursue what we love, we have to keep in mind that we live in reality and things often will never go according our wishes.

2011-05-04T21:44:00.001+08:00

It's been a terribly tiring day. I'm just so totally exhausted. It's interesting to note that studying is more tedious than physical activities.

Gah, I'm just too mentally wasted to think right now. I need my sleep.

2011-05-03T23:16:00.002+08:00

Someone mentioned something I find intrigue today - change is the only constant. If there's anything that I've learnt while wading through these years, it's that nothing is ever certain and your path in life will never be nice and easy.

We're just finding our way past each day of our lives, never knowing what's next to hit us. Those vigilant and adaptive enough will be able get past obstacles just fine, leaving behind an increasing number of less-abled population. Well, it sucks to be alert and fast-thinking all the time, but that's just the way of life given to us. It's not as if we have a choice anyways.

As thinking individuals, we're probably spending most of our time attempting to change things around (doesn't matter if it's for the better or worse). Change is going to stay around for an eternity, no matter how much we wished time would come to a standstill for a certain moment to last forever.

2011-05-02T22:48:00.003+08:00

It's a slightly shorter week no doubt, but nonetheless an intensive and packed one. I've lost count of how many times I've mentioned that time passed really quickly, but damn, that was one quick weekend! Feels pretty sian to be back here, when I could be out there or at home doing better stuff.

The new batch is entering NS soon. Can't quite believe I'm already almost 3 months into it. Heck, I should be sleeping right now instead of wasting time pondering over such stuff.

It's a short post tonight, because typing on a tiny qwerty keyboard isn't the easiest or most comfortable task.

2011-04-29T23:00:00.003+08:00

As time passes, the way we view certain people change because of certain things that have happened, and sometimes, we might even find ourselves guilty of reading the book by its cover. I find myself in this position tonight.

It's difficult trying to interact with a group of strangers and get ourselves bonded together like blood brothers and I'm definitely no fan of such tedious tasks. I hate breaking the ice, because you don't quite know what's underneath. Well, I did it anyways. It went better than I thought and I suspect I might even have a rare find. I definitely can feel the potential for a really closely bonded group of brothers. Sounds good so far, although the same cannot be said for some of the other groups.

I found myself in a barrage of emotions earlier this week. It was terribly stressful and vexing but I'm glad I eventually sort it out and placed my thumb on it firmly. Enough of emo stuff.

Perhaps it was a way someone showed me, or perhaps it was a way I stumbled upon. Either way, it's still the same way I have to keep going. Obstacles do surface quite often, but depending on how we look at them, they might just be the stepping stone we need to reach higher.

2011-04-24T14:48:00.002+08:00

And so week 2 shall commence from my book-in tonight. I had my weekend stabbed by a random assignment of guard duty, rounding up what could be described as a pretty disappointing week. I find myself dreading another one of my book-ins again. Tough times stand ahead and this feeling of knowing it sucks.

Nevertheless, it's terribly important to look at things from a more positive perspective so that we can stay optimistic. Staying optimistic keeps us happy and ready to look forward to the end of the week, whereas staying pessimistic makes us sad and afraid to push through to the end of the week.

I'm feeling terribly lazy now, but I don't quite want to waste my last few hours away. It's a terrible conflict >.<

2011-04-22T12:15:00.002+08:00

It's been a week of sorts at the new unit and I can't help but to find myself missing my old company, even though it's far worse. Missing my friends, my buddies who stood beside me when I was under heaps of stress.

It's different and I can't place my finger yet again. Perhaps time will tell, when everyone sobers up and matures into disciplined, smart adults. For now though, loads of people are behaving like badly pampered kids below the age of 15.

It's yet another phase of 2 months, then another 2 months. I don't know what to write at this point. Just when life was starting to get interesting, someone shuffled the cards and restarted the game.

2011-04-17T23:37:00.002+08:00

Last night of my short but eventful block leave. Then again, I don't really feel my week being as eventful as it would seem like on my calender. I only feel the pinch in my wallet after splurging everywhere, but hey, it could have been worse if I didn't restrict my spending.

Tomorrow on, it's going to be exhausting all over again. I'm not a born athlete, which makes physical training doubly tough for me. Then again, after the last 9 weeks, what can stand in my way? It might be too early to say so, or too large of a claim for someone like me, but what's a man without some confidence and courage to face what's ahead? That being said, I can't help to feel a mild tingling fear/anxiety.

It's a last minute packing session tonight. Things just seem to slip off my mind and that's not being alert of me at all. Just a bit more of tidying up and I'm ready to go. I'll get my sleep now.

2011-04-16T03:17:00.002+08:00

There's always a point in time when I realise that even I fail to understand myself fully. I'm terribly confused with my choices and my tendency to vacillate sets in to spin my world the other way round. I'm not fickle-minded, but I can't prove it. Sometimes, there's just isn't a sufficiently good reason that can convince me to put my palm down once and for all. Sometimes, there's just too many precious reasons that place the opportunity costs too, too high. Then there's always the temptation to switch over and place my faith into a basket of uncertainty. These are just times when I need to find time to sit down somewhere and iron out all these kinks in my heart.

2011-04-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

Time moves so fast that I wish to live forever in my memories. As we age, we take on many more roles and tasks, which inevitably takes up our time. That explains why the time we have on our hands dwindle so quickly like water on our palms. In that sense, time just flies by faster and faster. Somehow, it's just so difficult to catch some of the time that slips past our fingers.

Yet sometimes, I wish to crush my memories and chuck them far, far away from everyone. As we age, our regretful moments pile up like how we're killing our planet. Be it in a fit of anger or a second of blankout, we all make mistakes in life and in a lot of instances, not just once. They say it doesn't matter if you make a mistake as long as you learn from it, but in fact, it does matter. You can't just expect to move on from a mistake without some form of damage done, like how you can't expect to recover from nightmares and ordeals without scars.

Somewhere down the road, I wish I still have all my memories with me. As we age, it comes as no surprise when even our dearest memories begin to fade from existence. Then, we might come to question our purpose of life once again, just like when we were teens. Back then, we created these memories to serve as the foundation upon which our lives would be based on. As the foundation crumbles and dissolves away, so do our lives. What pains my heart is forgetting the little things that I used to cherish, but when I have forgotten what those little things were, would my heart still pain?

2011-04-12T23:47:00.002+08:00

I must be mad, but I'm beginning miss life at Tekong. Not that life at Tekong is awesome, but it's somehow etched into a random corner of my brain. I am also beginning to miss some people while surfacing through Facebook. I see faces and names whom I may never ever get to meet again. I miss my bunk mates, sergeants and sir. I must be pretty mad indeed.

It's been some time since I've last had the chance to walk down the the street leading up to my home, at night. Wow, I suppose a couple of things have changed in my absence. I certainly did not remember seeing the basketball court get demolished. Well, again, I suppose a couple of things have changed for me too. I just can't really put them into words here. It's more of a change in my perspective of my future and some people.

2011-04-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

BMT has been a really meaningful experience for me. In this short 9 weeks, I feel I've been stretched, crushed, pushed, toughened and changed in ways and areas I've never thought of.

First there was the homesickness from the 2-week confinement period, which finally placed my family above everything else I have, including my life. Then, my section was painfully bonded together, from strangers to brothers, through all the difficult and crazy times we go through together. Then there was the adjustment to the regimental lifestyle of the military, where freedom is literally stripped from your world.

For me, there were a lot of internal changes happening within me, mostly mental stuff. I fought a lot of mental obstacles along the way. There were times when I kept wanting to give up and fall out but eventually mustered enough determination to keep myself going, second by second, step by step. I remember I was struggling very badly at the start to adjust to the craziness I was dealt with and so, so wanted to pack up and leave for elsewhere. Somehow, I always found this little bit of courage that led me to grit my teeth and go through day by day. It wasn't soon before long that I completed the journey of BMT, without falling out or giving up at any point in time.

Tough times don't last, but tough men do. It feels starkly different from what Students' Council gave me - when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Apparently, you have to already be pretty tough to survive the journey. I'm not one of those tough peeps, so things became really difficult quickly, too difficult. Over here, I was trained to be tough, not just simply thrown into a pit of snakes and expected to survive. Plus, I suppose all these tough training gave me a strong sense of pride which I would fight pretty hard to keep - something I never quite grasped back in school.

Yesterday is the only easy day. Here, I understood that everything from this point onwards in my life is going to be difficult and challenging in many ways. Life's never easy, and will never be so. I'm already leaving behind the shelter of my family and well on my way to the real world outside to take whatever weather that's thrown at me. It's never difficult to look back repeated, but always difficult concentrate on what's in front. On another note, you can't change what had happened yesterday, but you can do so for today and tomorrow.

I guess I really am going to miss BMT after all, especially my section. From here onwards, everyone moves on to their different units or schools and so on. Perhaps somewhere down the road our paths might cross again, ever so briefly, for us to reminisce everything we've been through in these 9 weeks. I'll make this clear though. It was good while it lasted, but I'll never ever want to walk through these 9 weeks again.

2011-03-26T21:46:00.002+08:00

I guess I'm well on my way to getting used to things already. Wrapping up the loose ends of my Uni applications this weekends, as well as trying to return back to normal life.

I figured life sucks as it is, because we all think of our lives as sucky. Try thinking the other way round. You only get to see one half of the world from any direction, but you get to choose the direction.

2011-03-20T01:21:00.003+08:00

It's been some time since the last post. I was too tired last week to do anything. I literally fell on my bed and into dreamland immediately.

This week has been pretty arduous, as usual. Or maybe not, since I'm getting used to this rough and tough lifestyle already. When everyone's life sucks, your life doesn't suck that much. I had a mood swing last Monday, which made me quite depressed for a while. A couple of messages from Dad and Mum remedied it anyways.

Looking through my options for further studies, I realised my grades were terrifying lousy. I guess I am the only person who thinks these grades are fantastic stuff, especially coming from people like me. But then, I still have a number of viable options to choose from, so I guess it ain't all bad. In addition, the courses I'm interested in don't really demand tip-top grades. I still stand chance I suppose.

2011-03-06T00:48:00.002+08:00

Well, what's new? This week's supposedly going to be the toughest yet. Just a week of pure hell that I have to endure. I dread to even think of it, but hey, I've come so far already.

As usual, I feeling a little down since tomorrow is book-in day.

2011-03-04T23:48:00.003+08:00

It's been a long week. Longer than I would have expected at least.

In the hall today, I felt pretty light. I had already confessed to my parents that my grades this time round won't be as good as before. They were behind me despite my disappointment, so in a way, they held up some of the heavy load I was shouldering. As for myself, I have already lowered my expectations by quite a bit. Honestly, I didn't have a reason to deserve a good result, and I've long told myself to give what I can to score as much as I can. By doing that, I further shed off the weight I've placed on myself.

When I saw my grades, the first emotion that reached me was.. nothing. I felt nothing when I had my first glance at my results slip. I couldn't figure which emotion to bring out of me. Eventually I did feel slightly relieved. Considering how low my expectations were, it ultimately wasn't as bad as I thought. Some celebrated, some cried but I stood there like an idiot, spacing out with my results slip in my left hand. Starkly different from my imagination mere minutes before.

Perhaps someone heard my pleads for me to pull through this obstacle and reached out a helping hand. Perhaps I was just pure lucky to escape from being knocked out cold in the rat race. Or perhaps I really performed a miracle by myself to drag myself out of whatever I'm stuck in. Either way, this close shave will not happen again. I've learnt my lesson, however painfully. I've been at the top, the middle and now the bottom.

Tonight I'm tired from the day's activities. For everyone who did well, know that this is not the end and that someday, you too will fall if you are not careful enough. For everyone who didn't do well, know that the world is revolving and that someday, you will also end up at the top if you want to. For all those satisfied, keep pushing on. For all those disappointed, it's all in your head.

2011-02-26T00:53:00.000+08:00

Tonight's the last night for my first bookout. I must say I'm feeling kind of depressed and dreadful at the moment. The thought of having to go back to that terrible place drives me mad, but what can I do to stop or slow the pace of time?

I remember a few days ago, I had so many, many little stories to post about the last 2 weeks, but when I really got down to try and post them, I wondered if they were worthy of anyone's attention. Well, I had to avoid making them too obvious and getting myself into trouble as well. It became too much of a hassle to even attempt. Anyways, just know that it was tough. Really tough.

I missed home. I missed Daddy and Mummy and everyone I'm supposed to miss. I thought I was strong enough to withstand my emotions. Perhaps I thought I was ready to set off on my own and venture into the darkness ahead without any support. I thought I was good. Apparently not. Utterly not. Am I supposed to be disappointed? Maybe, but I'm not. I'm glad how everything made me realise that I still very much love everyone at the end of the day, that I still cherish everyone at the end of the road.

They were there for me when I was shattered and they pieced me back together so that I could reach the finish line the next day. No matter how many times I was shattered, they were always there, ready to hold me in place. I must say, I'm touched. A little late for someone who had already polished off 18 years of his life, but nevertheless, better than never. If you were here for me, stay with me because I need you. When I take my last step, I want to take it with you.

Til next bookout, next week.

2011-02-25T15:36:00.003+08:00

The only easy day is yesterday. I woke up everyday in the last 2 weeks having to face the nightmare of having to grind my way through another crazy day. It's difficult to get past a day without missing home and my normal life. The first 7 days were definitely the hardest, and I had to cry my way through every night to garner enough mental strength to make it to dawn. Mentally, I was seriously tested and throughly broken down. Just because I have had such tough times before doesn't mean I'll be able to take things any easier.

I've come to appreciate people around me better.

2011-02-24T23:33:00.001+08:00

I'm back from hell. Too tired to post anything :) Just glad that I'm back anyways.

2011-02-09T08:16:00.002+08:00

So, an early morning post on Wednesday. I'm going into camp soon, so everyone won't be hearing from me for 2 weeks. Feelings? I'm feeling kind of void now.

The Sun extended its golden rays across the landscape, across the plains. Enter the light breeze, rustling the grass blades.

2011-02-08T17:41:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling particularly angsty today. Very, very angsty and short-tempered. If I could, I might just scream to the whole wide world to just go to hell and leave me alone. I really could use a hardcore gaming session right now, but don't feel like touching any games today. Hell, I want to do something useful with the day, but I'm just too fidgety to concentrate on getting anything done. I'm feeling really terrible right now, as if the world owes me a punch to the face.

That's what I call a pretty awesome panic attack.

2011-02-07T03:06:00.002+08:00

Went out with some peeps today and had a great time. Badminton, dinner, mahjong, yeah, we really ought to do this again.

On the way back though, I was suddenly overcome by a strange feeling. I can't exactly nail it in words, but it hovers somewhere between depressing and calm. There had to be a reason for this weird occurrence, and I think I might have just found the answer.

Tonight, I feel repaired. Tonight, I feel light. Tonight, I feel young. Tonight, I feel relieved. I'm having the "I'm just glad it's all over" syndrome. I feel that I had just finished suffering everything the world had thrown at me these last 2 years. All that jealousy, all that pain, all that anger, and all that desperation. Life back then sure was emotionally and mentally exhausting.

There were simply too many days that I felt like I was living in the obscure shadows of others, trampled and used, helpless and ignored. When I woke up in the mornings, I wished for a few more minutes of sleep, not because of fatigue, but because I couldn't bear to have to drag myself through another day. I longed to fall on my knees and realise that it was finally the end of things. Nobody said it was going to be easy keeping up with them, and I knew it all along. I just didn't expect things to be that difficult. People hid behind masks and wielded blades sharp enough to pierce through the slightest weakness. Everyone was from a different class of society - one I clearly didn't belong to. I was so disillusioned that even I thought of myself as nothing more than a speck of worthless, pointless dust that didn't deserve the smallest bit of honor to stand beside the elite. They are so brutal, so fast, I could never have caught them. I was simply just aging, never growing. Someone said NS is going to be really tough, especially emotionally and mentally. Well, maybe, but for now, nothing has been tougher than the last 2 years.

Tonight, I feel like myself from 2 years back. Pre-VJC me, someone who I never managed to met these 2 years.

2011-02-04T00:55:00.000+08:00

Fame, something I clandestinely fancy. Who would dare admit that the thought of having fame overflowing from their own hands hadn't once cross their mind? Few and far between.

Rather than being able to choose to have fame, fame finds its way onto the hands of its chosen owner. Some people work all their lives on garnering fame, only see it descend upon others and never themselves. Some people are simply gifted with it, without having to lift a finger or sweat a drop. Some once held sway over fame, but eventually relinquished it to keep their sane.

I wouldn't consider myself as someone who had fame, but it's just so overwhelming difficult to resist the temptation of fame. However, it is weird in the sense that once I have fame, I'm simply filled with revulsion for fame. Once I'm out of it, that same captivation makes me gravitate towards fame again. Sometimes, it's just so hard to understand what someone, specifically me, wants.

2011-02-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

Perspective changes everything. It's fascinating how our mind alone has the ability to change and define the world around us in a new light. Our perspectives may well determine who we are and the people around us.

2011-02-02T01:35:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

2011-02-01T02:05:00.001+08:00

Wishy-washy Tuesday. I was terribly fickle-minded, stuck between choosing whether to go out to shop or not. Then again, the weather was equally fickle-minded too, alternating between rain and sun. In the end, I simply gave up the idea of shopping, but I did go out, to buy 2 packets of ice that is. Hell, even if the weight of those 2 packets isn't a problem, the pain inflicted by the handles of the overstretched plastic bag will have you agonisingly gritting your teeth. Tonight was reunion dinner, unusually a day earlier, but heck, that means I got my ang baos one day earlier right?

During this brief break after the A levels, I have played much. Yet, from these games, I realised an experience I wouldn't previously have believed. It's the journey that matters, not the destination. Similarly, success isn't defined by whether you get there or not, but rather, how you get there. For example, you can cheat your way through the entire game, only to reach the end feeling a little less satisfied than expected. Or, you can really invest some effort into the game and you'll be surprised at how much more satisfication you can reap out of it.

But at the end, what do you do after all that self-gratification is over? What do you do when you no longer have another stage to play or another goal to play for? What do you do to sustain your contentment? I feel a little gloomy.

2011-01-31T01:46:00.000+08:00

And it continues to rain today, thrashing my plans for the day as usual.

The future remains ever so uncertain for me. Perhaps I wished that there would be a glimpse of guiding light to hint what the future has in store for me. Perhaps I wished that time would turn back so that I can bring clarity into my future. Perhaps I wished for the future to never arrive, and thus end my pointless, burning need to speculate. What separates me from and makes me any better than any other kid on the street?

It's not that I don't have dreams, goals or passion. It's not that I don't have a path that I want to follow. It's not that I don't have support from people around me. It's just that I dare not plan my next step without any light to show me the terrain ahead. I'm afraid of falling again. But even before I contemplate my next step, I'm already afraid of what's to come.

When the darkness beckons, I fear my next step might be last. When the light sheds, my heart wavers in the wind, reluctant.

2011-01-30T23:59:00.004+08:00

It's been a rainy Sunday.

I don't know why, but I've always loved the thought of sitting by a huge window and looking out as countless of fragile raindrops splatter against the resilient glass surface, in an attempt to reach me. Set against the greyish sky, they seem so transparent and ever so tiny until they hit the transparent layer separating me from the outside world. My attention is instantaneously split into fractions to tend to each splash of clarity. In some way, it's just me and my glass shell. I feel shielded from everything harmful in the world. If anything, it brings a certain degree of comfort and inner peace to me. Sometimes, I feel that, in those moments, time finally slows down and allows me to catch up. I get to solve problems in my life, fix knots in my mind, release all that stress and empty my emotions. Amidst all that chaos happening on the other end of the window, I'm able to run away from all of it, as if I was living in another world of my own.

It fascinates me that some days can be bright and sunny but dreary, and some days can be dark and rainy but peppy.

By the way, it's interesting to note that my appetite has suddenly (and exponentially) increased. Hmm, I wonder if that's got anything to do with my body sensing the impending enlistment..

2011-01-29T02:20:00.000+08:00

I wonder why I even bother being angry sometimes.

I mean who exactly likes and wants to be angry? Maybe you do, but I certainly don't. In this energy-saving era, it's neither kind to the environment nor the people around you to be fueling your anger with precious energy. It doesn't feel nice either, because you just feel like destroying the world around you as if you're a crazed super-powered mutant. After that, you probably want to scream at whatever's left,"SEE THAT!? SEE T-H-A-T!??!" Other times, however, you just feel like you really need the privacy and silence to straighten out your convoluted thoughts with a steaming hot iron.

Plus, if you're not going to brutally lash out at your target, he/she isn't going to give a single damned attention to your internal volcanic-eruption-of-eternal-fury. It's just pretty painful to keep everything bottled up within, not to mention the silky shadows of depression looming over your shoulders, pulling a wicked grin and just waiting for that particular someday. Anger messes around with your psychological welfare.

But then your pride doesn't allow you to simply concede to yet another loss of your miserable life, nor does it allow you to forgive anyone unconditionally, especially if pride was brutally stabbed. I have a query - just how much of a pride is worth your lonely, pointless self-destruction? Pride is just stubbornly stupid at times, and this is but one of the many, many times.

All I'm trying to say is, I want to stop being angry. Argh, just ____ off.

2011-01-28T00:11:00.002+08:00

Now today's just a little simple. A little peaceful. A little slow. Maybe a little boring. It almost feels like I'm spending time with none other than myself. I kind of like it.

He shuffled away.

His posture, shrunken from the societal pressure and perhaps, negligence. His thin layer of white hair had long been deprived of its youthful black and abundance. His once-handsome face was irreversibly scarred by wrinkles from the razor-sharp blades of time. His expressions spoke many stories of melancholy and yet, carried a faint hint of smile.

One hand dragging a rusty midnight blue shopping trolley that was missing a wheel, the other just barely mustering enough strength to grip two soft, light packets of tissue paper. He shuffled through the crowd at a pace slow enough to irritate impatient individuals that found themselves blocked by this obnoxious, random social-reject. He approached an occupied table and reached out his shaking arm ever so slightly to offer his service, only to be rudely shooed away as if he was about to spread a contagious disease. He didn't even needed a second to recover from their rejection - he was used to it already.

He shuffled away.